My Stay-At-Home Struggle is NOT That I Work Too Much

I have a beautiful family. I have a beautiful life. Each day I try and remind myself of all the places, circumstances, and situations our young lives have already experienced. I’m grateful for our decision to eat real food and that I have a pantry and fridge full of it. I’m grateful for this two bedroom apartment within walking distance to a library and park (another full-fledged answer to prayer). I can’t be thankful enough for the schedule my husband has with this new office that allows M and I to keep the car just about any time we like.

Because of these things, I can’t stand myself when I find this ugly place of discontentment. Here’s the deal, there’s been a trend in the last year or so claiming that many stay-at-home-moms work harder than their working counterparts. I have close friends with three or more children, so I TOTALLY get that claim. I respect and adore those beautiful women who pour their hearts into so many little people day in and day out. But me? No…this mama doesn’t work harder than her husband. That is not my struggle.

I often feel like a failure. I’m not writing this seeking encouragement or affirmation. I’m writing it because it’s been in my chest for so long that maybe it needs to be written. It’s so easy to feel like there isn’t much of a purpose when you’re solely responsible for one little person the majority of the day. I see those amazing mamas out there with big families, and I’m just chilling out over here with my sixteen-month old. Some are working and staying at home; I’m not contributing financially. Then, there’s the working mom, and I don’t even know how she does it. I miss my baby boy after Bible study on Tuesday mornings, I can’t fathom leaving him for an entire working day.

My struggle is not that I work too much. It is that I feel like I’m not working enough.

I LOVE this job. Long before we even thought of babies, J and I agreed that I would stay home no matter what financial place we were in. We have stood by that, and I’m so grateful. I enjoy cooking from scratch. I take pride in providing good food, clean clothes, and a tidied home for my family. However, it is hard sometimes to think back and miss a life that once was. I miss the classroom, the students, the coworkers, and the challenge. I miss the idea of more income (in our entire marriage we’ve never had two incomes at one time). I miss the shower and clothes that accompany going to work.

On the way to take J to work today, Josh Wilson’s Pushing Back the Dark came on the radio. I’ve found it to be my anthem this morning.

“Whatever you do, just don't look back.

 Cause somebody needs the light you have.

 Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.

 Keep on pushing back the dark…”

I know I’m not alone in these feelings. I have been reminded today of how human nature is truly made up of darkness. God made us in His image, but we fell. I have heard this song several times; it was just especially convicting this morning. We are called to be a light in the darkness; however, that can’t happen unless we “keep pushing back the dark” that is inside of us. It is not of God for anyone to feel like a failure. Most especially if we know our lives are walking in His will. Could there be more for me out there? Yes. Should I explore some of it? I might. Should I feel like a failure if I don’t? No.

I cannot vouch for this, but many wise women continuously remind that this season of life is a short one. Moms, we have to be all right if coloring on walls, playing in the dirt, and walking to the park are what make up our days. If our families grow, and we end up working harder than our husbands, then that’ll be a different story. For now, I must be okay, and maybe even excited, that I don’t feel like I work enough. I will seek out things to challenge my mind and my body. I will dive into God’s word. I will bake some cookies. I will run. Maybe even paint my nails. Through it all, I will fight these feelings of failure, and I will strive to push back the dark. I hope you’ll join me.