Finding the Balance

Here’s the deal. I obviously struggle with keeping life in balance. I said I would write once a week, and here I am so extremely consistent at…being inconsistent. It’s terrible. And multiple areas of this life reflect those same qualms.

Goals and accountability are necessities. If I’m not training for something for something, I don’t run. If I haven’t shared an interest in a responsibility or volunteer opportunity, I may try to convince myself I never had the thought. If I’m not cooking for someone other than myself, I the stove doesn’t get turned on. I eat, like, rice cakes and bananas. Maybe a boiled egg.

Anyway, it’s a constant cycle of building habits and ripping them down again. Of things I actually want to do. Things I like doing. It’s bizarre. It makes no sense. … But praise the Lord in heaven that it is one hundred percent human.

Paul writes in Romans 7:15,19, “I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate…When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.”  I mean, can I get an amen?

This comes up tonight because I’ve had a long day with my mom. I’ve started many a blog post that have never been shared because I’m just not quite sure where to start.

My mom has struggled with mental illness for the majority of my life. Possibly all of my life, to some degree. This summer, because of a long stretch of instability and several other factors, we were forced to place her (at the age of 57) in a nursing facility in Houston. Every time I’ve started to write about that experience, I’ve titled it, “One of the Hardest Things I’ve Ever Had to Do” because, well, it was. That one action brought back years of sadness. I thought about when some of my other friends were getting ready for prom with their moms, I stopped on the way to mine to visit mom in a half-way house. In college, friends’ moms would come to stay for fun, and I was getting power of attorney to make sure my mom’s things would stay in order while she was in the hospital. I didn’t really look forward to events like wedding showers or graduations when all family members had to be there at the same time. The list goes on.

Last week, our Tuesday women’s Bible study group had the honor of listening to Brent Phillips from Second Baptist Church in Houston. He shared something in a way I’d never thought of before, and it’s been resonating ever since. Our God is the ultimate recycler. He takes what is gross and thrown out and changes it into something beautiful. Phillips said, “We don’t praise God for the bad things that happen, we praise God for turning them around.”

You know, parts of my mom’s story…they really suck. No one would choose them. I think it’s perfectly acceptable and natural for anyone in any situation similar to sit down and have a good cry every now and again. However, there is a balance. The sadness in our stories should be just a very light feather on the scale. What outweighs the bad in the way I missed my mom growing up is the way so many Godly women invested in my life. They taught me and loved me with no obligation to do so. I married into a family filled with more of them. Now, I live ridiculously close to two more of them who have already overwhelmed me with their kindness and willingness to just be there. Massive blessings.

Along with the help God provided, He has also shown opportunity. During my time in the classroom, working with students in ministry, and relationships with peers, He never ceases to amaze me in using different parts of the testimony He created.

This evening, after dropping my mom off at her nursing home, I sat in my car and cried. I think there will always be a residual sadness missing the mom that she was at one time. Then, The Great Recycler was my “pity-party-pooper” (as Phillips said Tuesday). It’s all right to have a little bit of sorrow in my soul, but it is not okay for that to be the focus. We’ve been so blessed that she’s here, she’s healthy, and she gets to spend time with her grandson…he even calls her Nanny!

In Romans 7:24-25a, Paul says, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…”

In this search of balance and habit building, I would like to regularly write, cook, and run. Success will not happen daily…just a disclaimer. More than that though, I would like for the beauty to far outweigh the ugly. As believers, let’s hold each other accountable for praising God for the recycler that He is. He takes trash and makes it into treasure.

If you’re reading this and you’re not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, my prayer for you is that the bad in your life would push you to the Creator of all things good. The struggles will not go away, but the benefits of the journey greatly surpass the hardships of the trek.

Amen and God bless.