Finding the Balance

Here’s the deal. I obviously struggle with keeping life in balance. I said I would write once a week, and here I am so extremely consistent at…being inconsistent. It’s terrible. And multiple areas of this life reflect those same qualms.

Goals and accountability are necessities. If I’m not training for something for something, I don’t run. If I haven’t shared an interest in a responsibility or volunteer opportunity, I may try to convince myself I never had the thought. If I’m not cooking for someone other than myself, I the stove doesn’t get turned on. I eat, like, rice cakes and bananas. Maybe a boiled egg.

Anyway, it’s a constant cycle of building habits and ripping them down again. Of things I actually want to do. Things I like doing. It’s bizarre. It makes no sense. … But praise the Lord in heaven that it is one hundred percent human.

Paul writes in Romans 7:15,19, “I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate…When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.”  I mean, can I get an amen?

This comes up tonight because I’ve had a long day with my mom. I’ve started many a blog post that have never been shared because I’m just not quite sure where to start.

My mom has struggled with mental illness for the majority of my life. Possibly all of my life, to some degree. This summer, because of a long stretch of instability and several other factors, we were forced to place her (at the age of 57) in a nursing facility in Houston. Every time I’ve started to write about that experience, I’ve titled it, “One of the Hardest Things I’ve Ever Had to Do” because, well, it was. That one action brought back years of sadness. I thought about when some of my other friends were getting ready for prom with their moms, I stopped on the way to mine to visit mom in a half-way house. In college, friends’ moms would come to stay for fun, and I was getting power of attorney to make sure my mom’s things would stay in order while she was in the hospital. I didn’t really look forward to events like wedding showers or graduations when all family members had to be there at the same time. The list goes on.

Last week, our Tuesday women’s Bible study group had the honor of listening to Brent Phillips from Second Baptist Church in Houston. He shared something in a way I’d never thought of before, and it’s been resonating ever since. Our God is the ultimate recycler. He takes what is gross and thrown out and changes it into something beautiful. Phillips said, “We don’t praise God for the bad things that happen, we praise God for turning them around.”

You know, parts of my mom’s story…they really suck. No one would choose them. I think it’s perfectly acceptable and natural for anyone in any situation similar to sit down and have a good cry every now and again. However, there is a balance. The sadness in our stories should be just a very light feather on the scale. What outweighs the bad in the way I missed my mom growing up is the way so many Godly women invested in my life. They taught me and loved me with no obligation to do so. I married into a family filled with more of them. Now, I live ridiculously close to two more of them who have already overwhelmed me with their kindness and willingness to just be there. Massive blessings.

Along with the help God provided, He has also shown opportunity. During my time in the classroom, working with students in ministry, and relationships with peers, He never ceases to amaze me in using different parts of the testimony He created.

This evening, after dropping my mom off at her nursing home, I sat in my car and cried. I think there will always be a residual sadness missing the mom that she was at one time. Then, The Great Recycler was my “pity-party-pooper” (as Phillips said Tuesday). It’s all right to have a little bit of sorrow in my soul, but it is not okay for that to be the focus. We’ve been so blessed that she’s here, she’s healthy, and she gets to spend time with her grandson…he even calls her Nanny!

In Romans 7:24-25a, Paul says, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord…”

In this search of balance and habit building, I would like to regularly write, cook, and run. Success will not happen daily…just a disclaimer. More than that though, I would like for the beauty to far outweigh the ugly. As believers, let’s hold each other accountable for praising God for the recycler that He is. He takes trash and makes it into treasure.

If you’re reading this and you’re not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, my prayer for you is that the bad in your life would push you to the Creator of all things good. The struggles will not go away, but the benefits of the journey greatly surpass the hardships of the trek.

Amen and God bless.

The Thief in the Night

I’m late. I told myself and committed to write for each of my blogs at least once a week, and I have failed.

I’ve struggled with feeling like a terrible wife, mom, daughter, friend, and the list goes on. I have felt unworthy to speak and testify for the God I serve. It just often feels like…who am I to write and teach about Him?

He has not been proud of that, I know.

I’m blessed to have wonderful Christ-like friends who speak truth into my life and all the lives they come across. I was reminded that Satan is like a thief in the night. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He knows he will never have access to my soul or my loyalty, but he will do powerful work to try making me feel useless and strip me of my confidence as a daughter of the King.

John 10:10 finished with Jesus himself saying that He came so that we might have abundant life. He has given us the spirit of love, power, and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). That is so often my mantra and I left behind the past few weeks. As I come out of this funk stronger, I am grateful that Satan has already been conquered. Knowing that at some point I will fail again, I plan to press forward defeating this evil in the name of Jesus who already won. I only share these short thoughts to invite anyone reading to do the same. Together, let’s dress for battle (Ephesians 6), and make sure that the one who came to give us life is truly the one we’re letting lead the way.

Instead of 17 Lies, I will Teach My Kids 5 Truths about Sexual Intimacy

There's a list going around social media entitled “17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Girls About Sex.” I've had a few conversations about it, and I just can’t stay silent. As much as I don't want to aid the efforts of its popularity, you’re free to check it out using the link above.

Some of lies mentioned are truly lies. Our girls (and boys alike) need to know that sexual harassment is not okay, that it is always okay to say “no”, and that everyone, in fact, is not doing it. However, as a former high school teacher, youth group volunteer, mom, and a believer in Jesus Christ, I cannot be all right with the overall ideas in this article.

This has made me start thinking about how I have taught students in the past and how I will teach my kids in the future. I’ve decided rather than try to cleverly come up with "lies" I think the culture has made, I will teach truth from the God of Creation.

1. I will teach that our bodies are temples of the Living God who created us (1 Cor. 6:19-20). We have been told to keep them pure and holy out of love and respect for our Creator. That should be a part of every aspect of our lives. It goes down to the foods we eat, exercise, the TV we watch, and sexual intimacy.

2. I will teach that even though the world (especially America) has made it confusing with its obsession to sexualize everything, once we are followers of Christ we are called not to conform to this world but be transformed by the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:2). What we put into our hearts and our minds is very important (Matt. 5:27-28). We don't stay away from the nastiness the world has to offer because of rules and laws, we stay away from it because once the Holy Spirit has begun its work in us, we see with a Kingdom perspective that things like casual sex, pornography, and sex outside of marriage are ultimately not good for us, our family, or our community. I will NEVER be okay with ANYONE trying to teach my children or children that I have connection to that any of those things are acceptable.

**If you are a teenage girl who has read the list of 17 lies, please consider that the God of the Universe knows better than any hands behind a keyboard…including my own. Seek that first. It is truth that every heart longs for whether they’re aware of the gaping hole or not.

3. I will teach that intimacy between a husband and wife is beautiful and God-made (Ephesians 5:20-29). Students and young adults who are waiting until marriage should not have in their mind that intimacy is wrong (Hebrews 13:4). They should have in their mind that it is going to be spectacular with the one God has created for them. It'll be really, really great considering the entire dating or courtship relationship is like foreplay until the wedding night. I actually can’t even come up with a single Bible verse, so just go check Song of Solomon. Grab a commentary if you need help understanding what’s happening, but I promise, they’re enjoying one another.

4. I will teach that in God's eyes all sins are equal, but on earth the consequences vary. God will forgive, but that does not cancel the actions here, sexual and otherwise. His Word teaches (whether our society wants to accept it or not) that there is no sin quite like sexual sin. It is something done to one's body... His temple (1 Cor. 6:18). The consequences are often more severe emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

5. Most importantly, because Jesus himself said it was the second most important commandment, I will teach that we are called to love (Matt. 22:36-40). Everyone. No matter what. I will also teach the students under my leadership and the babies under my roof that there is nothing they have done or can do that can make me not love them, and their God feels the same way. He is a God of forgiveness and new beginnings. If there have been mistakes made and relationships had outside of His design, He is ALWAYS waiting with open arms to offer mercy and grace. There is NOTHING that can be done that He will not forgive. He loved YOU so much that He sent His Son not to condemn the world, but to save it (John 3:17). He could foresee. He knows we’re imperfect and foolish, but He loves us and desires to save us anyway!

Jesus wants you in His family no matter what your past looks like. He created us to desire relationships, and He can restore and create healthy ones in your life if you allow Him. This is not a message of shame and regret…that the author of the 17 lies wants to fight against. This is a message of hope. 

Consider Before Communion...

The church that we’ve been attending is similar to churches we’ve been a part of in the past in many ways (Check out CyFair Christian Church HERE). One difference is that we observe communion every Sunday rather than once a month. I also have the honor of taking it again each Tuesday morning at ladies Bible study. When I first realized this was such a regular thing, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But now, there’s no question in my mind.

For I pass on to you what I received from the Lord himself. On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces and said, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me.”  In the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant between God and his people—an agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this to remember me as often as you drink it.

For every time you eat this bread and drink this cup, you are announcing the Lord’s death until he comes again. So anyone who eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord unworthily is guilty of sinning against[g] the body and blood of the Lord. That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking the cup. For if you eat the bread or drink the cup without honoring the body of Christ, you are eating and drinking God’s judgment upon yourself.”

1 Corinthians 11:23-29 (emphasis added)

The Lord’s Supper is no small act. It is a simple piece of bread with either wine or grape juice, but it is extremely complex. Paul urged that people understand that only believers in Jesus Christ take it, and those believers must examine their hearts thoroughly beforehand. This examination is what I’ve come to be so incredibly thankful for.

There are many things in this Christian walk that can be turned on auto-pilot if we’re not careful. We can complete our Bible study “homework” just to show that we made time for it. We can pray before we go to bed without any actual attempt to mean what we say and communicate with our Heavenly Father. We can teach our kids that Jesus loves them just because it’s the first song that comes to mind. I suppose someone could auto-pilot the Lord ’s Supper, but I sure can’t. Many believers I’ve talked to about it feel the same way.

There are often times I dread it. I know the minute I see the shiny plates that my heart is not where it should be. I know that I’ve been horrible to my husband that morning. I know I’ve been inpatient with my son. I’ve judged others in my heart, and I am so incredibly unworthy of the God I serve and the blessings I’ve been given. I’ve put on a front already at some point in the day even if church service and Bible study are in the morning.

Although I know that I can go to God with anything at any time, I don’t. However, I am drawn to His presence if I plan on partaking in this small symbolic meal. I can’t put it off like I so often do.

You think He planned it this way? I’m sure He did, and I’m so very thankful. Our God is not a God about religion or traditions or rituals. He is a God of mercy, grace, forgiveness, and discipline. He gave us some things that we should do that are both for our own benefit and for His greater glory. It took me years to see that breaking the bread that is His body and taking the cup that is His blood is both our benefit and for His glory. That is the beauty of communion. 

My Stay-At-Home Struggle is NOT That I Work Too Much

I have a beautiful family. I have a beautiful life. Each day I try and remind myself of all the places, circumstances, and situations our young lives have already experienced. I’m grateful for our decision to eat real food and that I have a pantry and fridge full of it. I’m grateful for this two bedroom apartment within walking distance to a library and park (another full-fledged answer to prayer). I can’t be thankful enough for the schedule my husband has with this new office that allows M and I to keep the car just about any time we like.

Because of these things, I can’t stand myself when I find this ugly place of discontentment. Here’s the deal, there’s been a trend in the last year or so claiming that many stay-at-home-moms work harder than their working counterparts. I have close friends with three or more children, so I TOTALLY get that claim. I respect and adore those beautiful women who pour their hearts into so many little people day in and day out. But me? No…this mama doesn’t work harder than her husband. That is not my struggle.

I often feel like a failure. I’m not writing this seeking encouragement or affirmation. I’m writing it because it’s been in my chest for so long that maybe it needs to be written. It’s so easy to feel like there isn’t much of a purpose when you’re solely responsible for one little person the majority of the day. I see those amazing mamas out there with big families, and I’m just chilling out over here with my sixteen-month old. Some are working and staying at home; I’m not contributing financially. Then, there’s the working mom, and I don’t even know how she does it. I miss my baby boy after Bible study on Tuesday mornings, I can’t fathom leaving him for an entire working day.

My struggle is not that I work too much. It is that I feel like I’m not working enough.

I LOVE this job. Long before we even thought of babies, J and I agreed that I would stay home no matter what financial place we were in. We have stood by that, and I’m so grateful. I enjoy cooking from scratch. I take pride in providing good food, clean clothes, and a tidied home for my family. However, it is hard sometimes to think back and miss a life that once was. I miss the classroom, the students, the coworkers, and the challenge. I miss the idea of more income (in our entire marriage we’ve never had two incomes at one time). I miss the shower and clothes that accompany going to work.

On the way to take J to work today, Josh Wilson’s Pushing Back the Dark came on the radio. I’ve found it to be my anthem this morning.

“Whatever you do, just don't look back.

 Cause somebody needs the light you have.

 Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.

 Keep on pushing back the dark…”

I know I’m not alone in these feelings. I have been reminded today of how human nature is truly made up of darkness. God made us in His image, but we fell. I have heard this song several times; it was just especially convicting this morning. We are called to be a light in the darkness; however, that can’t happen unless we “keep pushing back the dark” that is inside of us. It is not of God for anyone to feel like a failure. Most especially if we know our lives are walking in His will. Could there be more for me out there? Yes. Should I explore some of it? I might. Should I feel like a failure if I don’t? No.

I cannot vouch for this, but many wise women continuously remind that this season of life is a short one. Moms, we have to be all right if coloring on walls, playing in the dirt, and walking to the park are what make up our days. If our families grow, and we end up working harder than our husbands, then that’ll be a different story. For now, I must be okay, and maybe even excited, that I don’t feel like I work enough. I will seek out things to challenge my mind and my body. I will dive into God’s word. I will bake some cookies. I will run. Maybe even paint my nails. Through it all, I will fight these feelings of failure, and I will strive to push back the dark. I hope you’ll join me.

The Proverbs 31 Woman...She was Human Too

The Proverbs 31 woman. Sometimes she’s inspiring. Other times convicting. Occasionally she’s maybe even a little annoying. How are we supposed to be like her? A few months ago I read Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian with some friends, and before I even finished the introduction, I took out my Bible, hand wrote Proverbs 31:10-31, and I posted it in front of my kitchen sink so that I can see it throughout the day. I experience every mood possible while standing in front of my kitchen sink. Sometimes I wash dishes joyfully and full of energy while listening to Pandora or a Focus on the Family Podcast. Sometimes I’m anxious, angry, or upset with circumstances that may or not be dishes related.

One particular day, I was tired and irritable. I wasn’t grateful that my sweet husband had tried to help tidy up, and I glanced at my bulletin board to see a few scattered verses about this puzzle piece in our Old Testament. “(11) Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life…(17)She is energetic and strong, a hard worker…(28) Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her.”

After reading those verses, I thought to myself, “but she was human.” These attributes are not natural, and they did not happen overnight. There was a time when her husband was doing the dishes differently and she held her tongue. When the living room was poorly tidied and she quietly accepted it. There may have been moments when anxiety and worry threatened to take over and create uncontrollable emotions that took her years to learn how to breakthrough. This chapter describes her for what she did and who she became, but it does not explain how she arrived there.

It wasn’t easy, and if I was a betting gal, I’d put money down that each day was a continual display of discipline and victory over her natural, human desires and behavior. I’d even guess some days weren’t victories.

And that…should give us hope.

There’s only one perfect person in Scripture. His name is Jesus. He calls us to follow the examples of our elders (Titus 2:4), and He has provided several in His Word. They are not perfect, and that should be music to our ears.

I don’t want to be so controlling over how things are in my home that my husband, child, or guests don’t feel comfortable helping out. I want my husband to be able to trust me and talk to me without feeling like he needs to tread carefully because I might explode. I don’t want to be tired or lazy or weak. I want my children (now and future) to be able to stand and be happy and grateful and blessed that God let me be their mom.

The Proverbs 31 woman is praised because she daily decided to ask her Creator to help her be the wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend that He made her to be. That’s what He calls us to do. We’re only human. She was too. That means, with the help of our Lord, all things (including sanity in the midst of household chores, toddler tantrums, and shower-less days) really are possible (Matt. 9:26).

If you’ve never taken a moment, or just need a good refresher from the word of God, give this a read. And maybe a spot in front of your kitchen sink.

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She will not hinder him but help him all her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchants ship; she brings her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She watches for bargains; her lights burn late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.

She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.

She has no fear of winter for her household because all of them have warm clothes. She quilts her own bedspreads. She dresses like royalty in gowns of finest cloth.

Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council meeting with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs with no fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise and kindness is the rule when she gives instructions. She carefully watches all that goes on in her household and does not have to bear the consequences of laziness.

Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her; “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publically declare her praise.

Proverbs 31:10-31

A Time to Write

Ecclesiastes 3 is known for its poetic repetition. “There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal…” The list and lessons continue on for eight verses.

My family has recently completed a time to start anew (at least I hope we’ve completed it for a while!). We moved back to the mainland from Puerto Rico in February (to read more about our island adventures, please visit: LaAventura), we were camped out in Louisiana with family for a while before moving to the Dallas area. Then, truly because we felt it was where the Lord was leading, my husband, J, accepted a position in the Houston area, causing us to break a lease and move without having any housing set up. We have been stressed out, worried, and broken. But we have witnessed God’s provision in the past couple of years in ways that we’d struggle to believe if we weren’t the ones in the middle of it. Now we are settling and relaxing…and now God is convicting.

I blog with two wonderful ladies who were (and continue to be!) some of my closest friends during our time in Puerto Rico. Follow that blog here: PassionateMindfulandContent.  All three of us have been in transition lately. One of the girls, A, has just moved to Guam with her Coast Guard husband and sweet, sweet little girl. D has relocated to her hometown in Missouri because of her husband’s job. What was once reliable posting has turned into hit-and-miss monthly. D has held it together better than all of us, but I digress.

There are not many things I am passionate about. I believe Jesus is Lord and I need to live my life according to His will, whatever the cost. I loved the classroom when I was in it, and I think education for our students is one of the best investments we could ever make. I believe our bodies are temples and we should feed them a beautiful variety of God-made foods because they ultimately belong to Him. I am passionate about living as naturally as possible in these times of technology, medicine, and waste. And…I love the written word, although I haven’t consumed or produced very much of it as of late.

I recently began a ladies’ Bible study, and I’m very excited about it. In our first meeting on Tuesday, I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart that I needed to write again. It may be for my soul. Writing is therapeutic and God knows my spirit can be very weighed down at times. It may be for one other soul out there. One of my biggest desires in life is just to be used for my Savior’s glory. I’m not exactly sure how this will unfold, but I am sure that I’m supposed to be disciplined in my task. So, that’s what I’m going to try to do.

After those eight verses of poetry, Solomon says in verses 9-11, “What do people really get for all their hard work? I have thought about this in connection with the various kinds of work God has given people to do. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”

I’m excited to see what God has next in His beautiful timing.

God bless.